That was something else I’d done on
Wednesday. I had received assurances that I had insurance coverage,
so I decided I’d take some time to actually get evaluated.
I want to start by saying that I don’t
consider my suicidal tendencies to be an error or the result of
something wrong with my brain. If anything, the fact that I haven’t
done so in the face of the overwhelming evidence of the futility of
my building a future is proof of some processing flaw.
None the less, I do get emotional
flashes where I do want to die as a result of stress. Having someone
just slide up and blow my brains out would be a preferable experience
to some of the social situations I encounter. It’s just cleaner and
easier.
It’s not my lack of zeal for life
that I find troublesome. It’s the aggressiveness of these moods
that concerns me. It’s that I can be so down for so long. It’s
that I can be so euphoric at something which is rationally a very
small thing.
I don’t think that having “nominal”
brain chemistry is the cure for anything. I do think that maybe if I
didn’t brood over things, I’d be a little more capable of
engaging in the social give-and-take that’s required to stay at a
job for longer than a year.
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